Throughout my life, I have always carried a deep need to KNOW A TRUE sense of MYSELF...
I never really felt at home, or comfortable in the personality or character I had grown into. I can only try and describe it like a feeling of falseness, of cheating, of an unformiliarality with myself. My internal daily life was regularly anxious and disturbed by the idea that I was going to be caught out and exposed. It wasn't that I was going to be exposed for doing terrible things or for being a horrible person, as I always strived to be a good and kind person, it was more that, I didn't know who I was deep down and pretending to know was terribly uncomfortable. I was not happy to step into a persona that my ego thought was something worth while and act as someone who I knew I was not. As a result I suffered from anxiety, low self esteem and a mild form of depression for most of my life.
INTEGRITY has been a very powerful word and concept for me and my journey to know myself.
The challenges that occurred in this later half of my life, have certainly given me the opportunity to explore my integrity. Becoming a mother to three beautiful children, a wife to a highly active and driven man, along with the many other emotional challenges and obstacles life brought me, have forced me to stand in, my ground, my shoes and find my true self. It is amazing how love and relationship can direct you to self actualise.
I felt I was, quite literally squeezed, into an internal place inside, where, I had to find out who I was, what I needed, and the permission to be (all of that), or become a servant to everything outside of myself and never know what it is to be an empowered human being.
I had everything I HAD EVER DREAMT OF,
BUT .....
I had everything I had every really wanted, a husband who I love and who loves me, three children, a house over our heads, enough money for us to eat good food, clothe ourselves and enjoy the small luxuries of life.
I was blessed with staying at home and fully embracing my job and role of "mother" to three wonderful children and wife to a wonderful, driven and hard working man.
I was not expecting it to be easy and took on all the challenges with dedication and positivity, but the more immersed I became in my role as mother, housewife, the more stress crept into my daily life.
I felt I was at the mercy, of everyone else’s needs. The needs of everyone in my life, dominated my sensory experience and I lost the ability to define where my needs fitted in.
It was easier to meet what everyone else needed to create an atmosphere of what I thought was peace in our daily life...
Sleep deprived and deeply repressed, I was not able to cope with the simple chores of the day, feeling unsupported, I struggled to keep my head above water, I would tell myself "it is all as it should be" and kept smiling, but ...
deep inside I was deeply stressed, depressed and trapped in my own sense of reality.
I HAD NO IDEA HOW TO CHANGE MY REALITY. I FELT TOTALLY USELESS & powerless ...
I was living on coffee, toast, chocolate, and wine to comfort and numb my experience. I put on weight and my self-esteem dropped even more. All of which contributed to my increasing stress and depression with my life... that was actually, from an outsiders point of view, a blessed life. What was wrong with me!
I felt I was not coping, let alone achieving, with the simplest areas of my life
and very often I would find myself in tears whilst trying to prepare dinner, amongst everyones needs and demands, reaching for the wine to numb the feeling of stress and despair.
I felt that I was totally useless and there quite literally was no hope for me if I couldn’t even run my own family successfully.
WANTING TO RUN AWAY FROM THE MOST PRECIOUS
PART OF MY LIFE......
I was in a desperate place, and it was at this point I was introduce me to a man who studied a system called Human Design. I had heard about the system a couple of years before and had had a great interest in it.
I booked myself in for a reading with him.
The reading showed me my unique energy gifts, as the individual I am, and gave me the awareness to see my strengths and to stop 'trying' to be everything that I wasn't...
So I began to focus on my strengths not my weaknesses.
The reading changed the way I looked at myself, it changed the way I felt about myself.
I had been focusing all my energy on my weaknesses and not acknowledging my strengths. I was not born to be this person I was putting so much pressure on myself to be.
I could stop trying to be everything I thought was expected of me and I could focus on 'who I was', and my unique strengths.
This was the beginning of a new way of being for myself, my life and my family, as I started to acknowledge and learn about my uniqueness and began to forgive, accept, appreciate and eventually love the person I am.
I was now able to understand, that the world I had grown up in had taught me, I was meant to tick all the boxes, and fit into the box, in this so called life. In doing so I was pulling myself away from my true nature.
I realized that we are not born to tick all the boxes or to fit in any box. We are all born with unique qualities and strengths and so when we all come together we can create a varied whole. Life is a continuous work of art, as each being drifts in and out of each others canvas of life, we bring our unique qualities and strengths and leaving an impact, print on each others unique life canvas.
The key and mission that became clear for me was to reconnect to my essence, my true self to find my clarity and define how and where I stood uniquely within the oneness, the connectedness. I was (some how) drawn to the symbol of the 'flower of life' at this time and looked into what it represented. I could not believe how relevant it was for my journey. It talked of each circle representing a dimension that were all inter connected, forming individual flower like patterns. For me, it represented the inividualness of each flower, within connectedness, which represented my journey so beautifully. As I continued my search for knowing my uniqueness within my connectedness.
Here was the moment, that I new I wanted to help others meet and align with the truth of who they are.
I began to study the system of Human Design and started to read for other people, I realised that there was more to this and if I really wanted to help people in this way I had to find the way to communicate to others so they could really take on board all that they needed to.
It was at this point that I began searching for a deeper understanding and started reading books. This was not a normal occurrence in my life till now due to dyslexia I really found very little joy in reading and had only ever read 2-3 booking my whole life. Something had shifted in me and I began to enjoy reading books that helped me access the knowledge I was searching for and by the end of the year I had read 5 books.
As I stepped into acknowledging my needs and desires I came up against the reaction’s of the people close to me...
I had to go through the feelings of guilt and frustration as, in meeting my needs I challenged theirs.
There were times when my husband would give me a lie in and very often I couldn’t sleep (for whatever reason as I was hugely sleep deprived) but I would not dare to tell him, as he would actually get irritated, and so I would quietly sneak around the house to get my morning coffee in hope that he wouldn’t realise that I was no longer sleeping and that his need to feel that he was helping me with my sleep deprivation was still being met. You won't believe it but there were times I would find myself lying to him to convince him I had been sleeping, when I hadn’t, and I would use the excuse to lie in bed and read books that inspired me and began to expand my understanding of myself.
As my awareness grew, my inspirations blossomed and shifts slowly took place in my day to day life. I slowly, slowly began to connect to myself with understanding, compassion, and permission to be me and as I did this, the universe began to direct me. This was not a quick shift, more like baby steps as life reflected areas where I needed to make the changes to move through.
Although I was gaining awareness in how to move my life forward in a positive way, I was still experiencing a lot of toxicity in my relationships that I did not know how to begin to move past it. I was still suffering from my own inability to empower myself and found my health in a very bad place. I was suffering from chronic asthma and near pneumonia, and experienced immense pain in my ribs and down my arm with every breath I took. I was terrified that my lung may collapse.
THIS was my moment.
I knew I needed to take steps to empower myself, my needs so that I could quite literally, stop drowning in my own existence. It was actually as I lay on my sofa resting my back, as the strain of my lungs had strained it so much moving and breathing was incredibly painful.
I picked up the phone and booked myself onto the Energy 4 Life coaching training. It was at this point that I acted on the synchronicity that had previously presented itself and made the phone call to inquire about Energy 4 Life, Spiritual Life Coaching Training.
Beautifully guided to the training through reading one of Caroline Shola Arewa’s books, The Way of the Chakra's, which resonated so deeply for me that I was so intrigued, and went online to look into who she was and find out more about her.
There I found that with a background as a Yoga master she had founded this Coaching program, Energy 4 Life. So I made the call and it could not have been more perfect for me, she was based in London and the training was totally possible around my family responsibilities (though it was going to be a big step for us all).
The training was elevating and empowering and I felt like I was stepping into my purpose and beginning to meet myself. The year ahead was a momentous year of meeting and embodying myself as I began to understand boundaries and what that really meant, I began to understand my own energy and my thoughts and feelings.
I feel the most important shift for me was taking responsibility for my feelings and finding ways to consciously relate to the suppressed aspects of myself.
That year was rich with conscious development and shifts in my daily life. I was finally finding myself empowered!
And this is what I want to help you with too!
I started TO UNDERSTAND
my own energy language, I WAS developing the art of bing me.
Lucy xx
That is why I founded Be You & Thrive Life Coaching and created my signature coaching program The Art Of Being YOU as it's become my purpose and mission to help women who are also seeking to feel that sense of empowerment in their life again and to feel that they are living the life of their dreams, in fact, I want you to know that I am here to help you...
Become the woman you were born to be.
With all my love,
